i remember having a similar experience/insight about Conversation as a teenager. we are the universe conversing with itself, everything is an utterance, everything is a text in relation to other texts, spoken and unspoken, etc
btw if you're shopping around for a different metaphor other than war, i recommend music, which actually works very nicely with conversation as a central motif (call and response, etc)
Yeah, the call and response of music is a metaphor I often find helpful. The idea of flow and melody feels more useful than having to pick a side or fighting for and against.
Yes! Shame feels to me like I'm all wrapped up in a really thick, heavy blanket and I can't escape it. That's how it feels to me. So the metaphor of the blanket for the feeling helps me feel it!
What a brutal and beautiful life we live! I deeply appreciate the honesty in these words, the way it’s not all wrapped up neatly but as an ongoing life. Because that’s what we do! We keep living. We don’t always win. But we do keep learning and growing. I’m so grateful for you and your life, Rob.
Naming it in public, pointing to it instead of keeping it boxed away -- maybe that's where it shifts. The relationship recognized, softened, mediated in the open. Feels like there's real power in that.
Dude. Intense, beautiful, devastating and inspiring. I admire your journey and send support and encouragement from afar. Stay strong! (And open hearted!)
Of course, there's a big part of me that wants to find something smart to say, but such vulnerability is better off without it. So I'll just say I can relate and thank you.
I have written about the concept of 'einstimmung' which might be a valuable frame. Happy to share it directly if you're curious/have the bandwidth (it's just a substack essay by the way).
The thought that crossed my mind several times as I read this was: we should get together for coffee. I guess because that’s my thought with anyone new or known; let’s share our view of (the world, the film, the family, etc.
the high quality of the comments here is a reflection of the great writing you do. thanks for continuing to put into words what so many people are feeling and grapple with. your willingness to be vulnerable and share your (perhaps not so) unique struggles are what keep me reading and conversing with your ideas
Been a while since I read something by you. Same feeling as last time of some kind of kinship, sameish struggle, not another smart framework or hack, just trying to be present in the contradictions.
Very thought provoking and moving and Im certain it's totally from the heart. But sadly in this day and age you find yourself wondering if it's another way to grab our online attention under the banner of intense honesty. And maybe grab new followers. Horribly cynical but that's my honest response. I love reading these though. They are rare.
Rob, this is so vulnerable, real and honest. like a child who is afraid and is need of love, to be seen and heard, and accepted, just as they are. I hear you with all my heart, and I see you. I too have suffered shame most of my life.
I know you say writing has not helped you in the past, but writing out your inner struggles and sharing them makes them weaker. I have found this myself writing out my memoir.
This quote from Brene Brown, who by any chance could help, her books are wonderful on the topic of Shame
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secret, silence and judgement. I fyou stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgement” Brene Brown
You are valued Rob, you are needed. I have always admired your writing and always have looked forward to your writings. I have saved and going through, the work The Forest and all the questions inside it. Its been a good journey.
Thanks for writing this Rob. Toxic shame is such a bitch to have tagging along in life, it’s been (and still sometimes is) one of my main “weights” that I feel making me stuck. It’s gotten much better though, but still takes conscious effort to not listen to what the voice says. The voice has become much weaker after grieving the lack of safety/security I should have had as a baby and kid though. In my circumstance I think it arose due to the deep-seated feeling of not being worthy of life… because if even your parents won’t comfort you as a baby, then you must not be worth comforting. At least, that is/was the embodied feeling that developed.
So a lot of grief and anger release was needed in my case to then recognize that the shame voice was a way of protecting me as a young boy. But that voice is not needed anymore.
Anyway, I think you’re a beautiful human being Rob, and definitely worthy of being here.
You’ve even crossed my mind a few times with your words on manifestos as I am writing mine, even though we haven’t interacted for a long while in here or X. And I know many more people value you. 💜
Thank you for writing this. Your words are deep and beautiful.
I find the debate between befriending vs fighting shame/inner critic voices really interesting. When is it better to fight and when is surrender actually winning (or opting out of the fight/false binary)? It's really not obvious.
I absolutely don't have answers either but reading this I'm noticing that I've started to draw a line between shame that comes from within ("my" shame) and shame that comes from outside me (the kind that's ambient or projected onto me). With that line drawn, I can usually ignore external shame (or fight it when necessary). And that leaves me energy and safety to lovingly relate to the shame that's inside me. There's something deeply exhausting about fighting yourself while accepting other people's BS... I hate fighting at all but I'd rather fight other people occasionally than myself all the time.
for what it's worth, i always feel a bit more human after reading your writing
i remember having a similar experience/insight about Conversation as a teenager. we are the universe conversing with itself, everything is an utterance, everything is a text in relation to other texts, spoken and unspoken, etc
btw if you're shopping around for a different metaphor other than war, i recommend music, which actually works very nicely with conversation as a central motif (call and response, etc)
all the best, hang in there and keep goin
Yeah, the call and response of music is a metaphor I often find helpful. The idea of flow and melody feels more useful than having to pick a side or fighting for and against.
Very relatable yet rarely so well articulated as this.
I’m trying to learn to just love myself since I’m out of other ideas.
I’m rooting for you.
thanks amigo, rooting for you as well!
Well said. Glad you posted. My metaphor is calling it my shame blanket.
Hey! I'm curios about why you call it a shame blanket. Do share if you feel able
Yes! Shame feels to me like I'm all wrapped up in a really thick, heavy blanket and I can't escape it. That's how it feels to me. So the metaphor of the blanket for the feeling helps me feel it!
Thank you for sharing, Caitlin 🙌
What a brutal and beautiful life we live! I deeply appreciate the honesty in these words, the way it’s not all wrapped up neatly but as an ongoing life. Because that’s what we do! We keep living. We don’t always win. But we do keep learning and growing. I’m so grateful for you and your life, Rob.
Naming it in public, pointing to it instead of keeping it boxed away -- maybe that's where it shifts. The relationship recognized, softened, mediated in the open. Feels like there's real power in that.
(If you ever wanna chat, Rob, door's open.)
Beautriful, corageous, very relatable
Dude. Intense, beautiful, devastating and inspiring. I admire your journey and send support and encouragement from afar. Stay strong! (And open hearted!)
Man, thank you for being so open.
Of course, there's a big part of me that wants to find something smart to say, but such vulnerability is better off without it. So I'll just say I can relate and thank you.
I have written about the concept of 'einstimmung' which might be a valuable frame. Happy to share it directly if you're curious/have the bandwidth (it's just a substack essay by the way).
Good to be in your orbit dude.
The thought that crossed my mind several times as I read this was: we should get together for coffee. I guess because that’s my thought with anyone new or known; let’s share our view of (the world, the film, the family, etc.
I'm open to a random coffee. My overwhelming thought recently has been how lonely it can get creating from my little home studio.
the high quality of the comments here is a reflection of the great writing you do. thanks for continuing to put into words what so many people are feeling and grapple with. your willingness to be vulnerable and share your (perhaps not so) unique struggles are what keep me reading and conversing with your ideas
Been a while since I read something by you. Same feeling as last time of some kind of kinship, sameish struggle, not another smart framework or hack, just trying to be present in the contradictions.
And the Clash rephrasing cracked me up!
Very thought provoking and moving and Im certain it's totally from the heart. But sadly in this day and age you find yourself wondering if it's another way to grab our online attention under the banner of intense honesty. And maybe grab new followers. Horribly cynical but that's my honest response. I love reading these though. They are rare.
Rob, this is so vulnerable, real and honest. like a child who is afraid and is need of love, to be seen and heard, and accepted, just as they are. I hear you with all my heart, and I see you. I too have suffered shame most of my life.
I know you say writing has not helped you in the past, but writing out your inner struggles and sharing them makes them weaker. I have found this myself writing out my memoir.
This quote from Brene Brown, who by any chance could help, her books are wonderful on the topic of Shame
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secret, silence and judgement. I fyou stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgement” Brene Brown
You are valued Rob, you are needed. I have always admired your writing and always have looked forward to your writings. I have saved and going through, the work The Forest and all the questions inside it. Its been a good journey.
Thank you for being here and continuing to be so.
Thanks for writing this Rob. Toxic shame is such a bitch to have tagging along in life, it’s been (and still sometimes is) one of my main “weights” that I feel making me stuck. It’s gotten much better though, but still takes conscious effort to not listen to what the voice says. The voice has become much weaker after grieving the lack of safety/security I should have had as a baby and kid though. In my circumstance I think it arose due to the deep-seated feeling of not being worthy of life… because if even your parents won’t comfort you as a baby, then you must not be worth comforting. At least, that is/was the embodied feeling that developed.
So a lot of grief and anger release was needed in my case to then recognize that the shame voice was a way of protecting me as a young boy. But that voice is not needed anymore.
Anyway, I think you’re a beautiful human being Rob, and definitely worthy of being here.
You’ve even crossed my mind a few times with your words on manifestos as I am writing mine, even though we haven’t interacted for a long while in here or X. And I know many more people value you. 💜
Thank you for writing this. Your words are deep and beautiful.
I find the debate between befriending vs fighting shame/inner critic voices really interesting. When is it better to fight and when is surrender actually winning (or opting out of the fight/false binary)? It's really not obvious.
I absolutely don't have answers either but reading this I'm noticing that I've started to draw a line between shame that comes from within ("my" shame) and shame that comes from outside me (the kind that's ambient or projected onto me). With that line drawn, I can usually ignore external shame (or fight it when necessary). And that leaves me energy and safety to lovingly relate to the shame that's inside me. There's something deeply exhausting about fighting yourself while accepting other people's BS... I hate fighting at all but I'd rather fight other people occasionally than myself all the time.